Well this isn’t a blog post I expected to ever be writing but writing is just the way I deal with emotions. I’ve always done that to be honest, whether I’ve hit public or not. A few years ago I even had a private blog under a different name where I wrote about all the crap things that had happened to me, I suppose to give myself closure on issues I was working through. But that’s not why we are here today, today I want to talk about dealing with loss and grief of something that may never of even existed.
On Monday February 18th I took a pregnancy test that came back positive. I ran in and told Ben, we discussed what would happen with the rooms at home, how I would work, I ordered Sammy a ‘big brother’ top, looked up baby no 2 reveals and even had a search of double buggy’s. I wanted to be prepared. I went to the doctors the next morning to tell them and discuss the next steps. She did a test which came back negative, I was told it was probably just too early and we would do a blood test to be sure. On the Wednesday I got a call to say my blood tests had some back ‘inconclusive’, the ‘normal HCG range’ is 0-5, and pregnant is 25+, mins was 24 so neither, I was told to return the following Monday for a second test. I told a few close friends in this time and told myself the levels would go up and not to worry. The following Tuesday I got a call while I was at work with my results, NEGATIVE. My HCG levels had gone all the way down to 2 so there was definitely no baby. I burst into tears, I was at work with no escape and no one around me that knew. I hadn’t prepared myself for a no, I expected a solid ‘YES YOURE PREGNANT YAY’ but I wasn’t prepared for a negative.
I had spent over a week thinking I was pregnant, for nothing. We have no idea why it happened. If it was a false positive or a miscarriage, there is no real way to know. The doctor said it could be a number of things but there are no tests to find out why my levels were high. I was heartbroken, I wanted to grieve someone that may have never even existed. I felt like my friends wouldn’t understand and I rarely tell my family any of my personal business. Ben is still away so I didn’t even have the comfort of him at home. I went to pick Sam up after work, put him to bed and just cried my heart out at home on my own.
There was a lot I wasn’t prepared for in my first pregnancy, a lot I wish I had known before to prepare for but this I didn’t know could happen. How could it all just be gone with no explanation? Am I even allowed to feel sad when people have it so much worse. I have SO many questions that I just will never have an answer for.
There is no point to this post, I suppose just so others know this can happen and to get everything off my chest. False positives happen. Sometimes your HCG levels can be abnormally high to the point even a blood test can’t if you’re pregnant or not. I want to say there is a moral to the story or even a positive aftermath but there’s not, not everything happens for a reason unfortunately and sometimes we just have to live with that.
On Monday February 18th I took a pregnancy test that came back positive. I ran in and told Ben, we discussed what would happen with the rooms at home, how I would work, I ordered Sammy a ‘big brother’ top, looked up baby no 2 reveals and even had a search of double buggy’s. I wanted to be prepared. I went to the doctors the next morning to tell them and discuss the next steps. She did a test which came back negative, I was told it was probably just too early and we would do a blood test to be sure. On the Wednesday I got a call to say my blood tests had some back ‘inconclusive’, the ‘normal HCG range’ is 0-5, and pregnant is 25+, mins was 24 so neither, I was told to return the following Monday for a second test. I told a few close friends in this time and told myself the levels would go up and not to worry. The following Tuesday I got a call while I was at work with my results, NEGATIVE. My HCG levels had gone all the way down to 2 so there was definitely no baby. I burst into tears, I was at work with no escape and no one around me that knew. I hadn’t prepared myself for a no, I expected a solid ‘YES YOURE PREGNANT YAY’ but I wasn’t prepared for a negative.
I had spent over a week thinking I was pregnant, for nothing. We have no idea why it happened. If it was a false positive or a miscarriage, there is no real way to know. The doctor said it could be a number of things but there are no tests to find out why my levels were high. I was heartbroken, I wanted to grieve someone that may have never even existed. I felt like my friends wouldn’t understand and I rarely tell my family any of my personal business. Ben is still away so I didn’t even have the comfort of him at home. I went to pick Sam up after work, put him to bed and just cried my heart out at home on my own.
There was a lot I wasn’t prepared for in my first pregnancy, a lot I wish I had known before to prepare for but this I didn’t know could happen. How could it all just be gone with no explanation? Am I even allowed to feel sad when people have it so much worse. I have SO many questions that I just will never have an answer for.
There is no point to this post, I suppose just so others know this can happen and to get everything off my chest. False positives happen. Sometimes your HCG levels can be abnormally high to the point even a blood test can’t if you’re pregnant or not. I want to say there is a moral to the story or even a positive aftermath but there’s not, not everything happens for a reason unfortunately and sometimes we just have to live with that.
Byeeeeeeeeee.
Bex Renshaw.
Twitter : @bexrenshaw
Instagram : @bex_renshaw
YouTube : www.youtube.com/bexrenshaw
Website : www.bexrenshaw.com
Website : www.bexrenshaw.com
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